"Chumbawumba...soundtrack for my LIFE!!"

I hate to water my yard.  It makes the grass grow, which means I have to mow more frequently.  It wastes a valuable natural resource and costs money.  But it seems that in Texas it is a necessary evil.  I have a known foundation issue that I need to repair, but I noticed some new cracks in the wall and I have to admit that not watering seems to be making the problem worse.  So this morning I gave in.

As I was dumping water into the ground, I saw the other sprinklers up and down the street and a little voice inside accused me, "You've become just like them."

If you know me at all, you no doubt can anticipate the revulsion that statement brought to my soul.  The artist in me screams, "'ME' is not like 'THEM' at all.  I will never be 'WE' with them."  But the disgusting voice of the Pharisee also calmly intones the same message.  Am I an individual, unique and special?  Do I need to go to great lengths to visibly demonstrate that it is so?

Why am I so self-righteous, when I'm the "chief of sinners"?  If one of my favorite quotes is true ("Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.") then why don't I care about those who are suffering and those who are lost?

I fear that I know the answer, but I don't like to articulate it: the divorce wrecked my world.  Here I am not referring to the emotional loss or the pain I once felt.  That ground has been amply walked, and the well worn paths are becoming a parking lot, flat and calm with little room for new growths of weeds that bring sharp, stinging pain.  No, I'm referring to the change in my relationship with God.  I met with a pastor from our church last week, and he mentioned that after divorce, many people need to relearn that God is good, that he is trustworthy.  I had never put words to that thought before, but I instantly recognized it as true.  I did the studies during the separation: Malachi tells us that God hates divorce.  It stands to reason then, that God's will would be for a marriage to endure.  Psalm 37 tells us to delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Therefore, if God hates divorce, and if I'm yielding to him and praying in line with his will, he should answer that prayer, correct?  Experience did not prove that for me.  I prayed earnestly that my marriage would be restored, but God did not answer that prayer.

So where do I go from here?  I have been asking myself that for some time now.  My friend Josh and I were lamenting the other day and both agreed that the biggest fault of Christian music is its stubborn refusal to engage with real life.  Where are the songs of grief and anger and loss?  One reason I love Rich Mullins is because all of his music is intensely honest.  At a concert he once said, "I don't know why God is like that.  Sometimes it makes me mad.  But it don't do to fight with God because he always wins.  He bloodies your nose and then gives you a ride home on his bicycle."

I've been angry with God.  I've been stubborn.  I have lived out that old sermon illustration, where the saint says to Jesus, "If this is how you treat your friends it is no wonder you have so few."  I've tried to pick up my ball and go home, tired of playing the game that is faith in Christ...but after I take several steps I realize that it is a tetherball, and I'm still anchored to the pole.  He has me in his hands and he will not let go.  I guess I will slowly try to give up my demand to have it my way (I want to write a poem called--with apologies to Christina Aguilera--"Geenie in the Bible") and remember that God is faithful and true, he is trustworthy, he is good.