Parents, Let Us Not Be the Problem

"If Aydan did something like this, what would you do?"
"I would encourage the administration to not let him graduate at all.  I'm not talking about, 'Don't let him walk at graduation.'  Let him go back and try high school for one more year and see if he can get it right that time."

I had this conversation this morning.  As far as I can tell it reflects my honest opinion.  It is based on Fay and Cline's, "Parenting with Love and Logic."  For example, when Aydan did not meet one (albeit minor) requirement for promotion from third grade, his teacher wanted to pass him to fourth grade, and I refused unless there was some type of summer school.  I was even ready to have him repeat the grade.  Not because he's a bad kid or because he's a dumb kid, but because I want him to be the best kid he can possibly be.  The line in "Love and Logic" for a kid who isn't reaching his academic potential is, "Don't worry....they offer the third grade every year at this school.  I'm sure you'll do better next year."  The goal is for the natural consequence to do the teaching.

Have you heard of Dharun Ravi?  He's the Rutger's student who spied on his roommate, Tyler Clementi, and posted it to social media.  Clementi later killed himself.  While I will return to the theme of social media later, I am most concerned about the response of Ravi's mother.  I heard a recording on NPR of comments made at the sentencing.  Ravi's mother pleaded for her son to receive no additional jail time or probation, stating that, "he has already suffered enough."  He.  Suffered.  The one whose actions could have been a major factor in another human being taking his own life.  Suffered?  A media whirlwind?  Hmmmm.....

Students at three of the four Keller high schools staged "pranks" last week.  Central High School's "prank" was a food fight.  Nine students (I am quoting a statistic shouted at me by an angry mother earlier today...but more on that later) were told they would not be allowed to attend the graduation ceremony as a consequence for their actions.  To provide further background, one of those students will not be graduating as a direct result of my involvement in the situation.  I came to the food fight late, because I had a class, but when I arrived I saw one of the ring-leaders throw a water bottle.  I wrote a statement about his involvement on Wednesday morning (four full days after the incident) and had a conference with him, his parents and the principle on that same morning.  Now, with less than 17 hours until graduation, the family is attempting to file an injunction that would allow him to walk at graduation.  Apparently there are also "Let Them Walk" groups being formed not only on Facebook, but in the community.

Which brings us to the present moment.  I was told this morning that I might have to go to court today, should a judge be able to hear the injunction in time, to give my statement again.  On the way home from school, I saw a student posting a "Let Them Walk" sign which I promptly tore down.  I did this partly because I disagree with the sentiment, and partly on the belief that one cannot post a sign without a city permit and so had I chosen to contact the city instead they would have come and done it for me. [Sidebar: after inquiring into the matter, the city does not code on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which is why garage sale signs are allowed.  Since I was in error, I hereby apologize to the offended parties and offer my regrets.]  When I pulled back into the school to inform them what was going on the (get this) mother who was driving her son around to post the signs confronted me as to why I took it down.  She proceeded to yell at me about how unjust it was that these nine students were being "singled out" and how unfair it was that they would not be able to attend this milestone in their life.  At one point she mentioned that any OTHER consequence would be fine (including, in her words, "a citation with a fine of $500") but the consequence imposed was unfair (citing the fact that none of the other schools kept any seniors from participating in graduation).  I tried to express, as kindly and calmly as I could, that perhaps her defense of these students who had obviously done something wrong might be sending the wrong message to her son.  She violently disagreed, but mostly on the grounds that the consequence itself was wrong, not that a consequence was being given.  In her mind, she was trying to get the attention of the administration and have them change their minds before 4 pm.

As she drove off she called me names.  Students on Twitter have mentioned me by name, saying that I am lying about their friend.  I am currently feeling the weight of being intensely disliked by a large group of people.  It's not fun.  But the purpose of this post is not to lash back at those individuals, but rather to give me space to go through what I am thinking and feeling.  So let me begin.

I have been called a liar.  My telling of the incident goes like this: I was standing in the center of the walkway leading to the stairs.  I saw the student throw a water bottle from the midst of a group of students.  I confronted the student, asking him, "Did you throw that?"  There were several rows of students standing between us so that I couldn't get to him.  He shook his head and walked away quickly.  In our conference, the student claimed his friend was holding his bag for him and that's why he was at the scene, but he claims he never threw anything.  

The mother that accosted me held this student up as a victim; a martyr.  She was angry that the family was only given three days notice.  A student on Twitter called me names and claimed I was a liar.  I would love to be able to question these people.  If he was innocent, why not simply state who did throw the water bottle?  If I am wrong and he is right, he could quickly exonerate himself (but that, of course, would violate that sacred teenage code to not "rat out" ones peers).  If he was not throwing anything, why did he have need for a friend to hold his backpack?  If you believe he is innocent and a martyr, have you read his tweets on Twitter?  He sounds like the organizer of the event and boasts of its "success."  Why is it so unjust to deliver a consequence with such short notice?  The event itself only took place a week ago.  Students did not give the administration time to plan for the event or its aftermath.  Here I will insert that I have already apologized to the student's parents for my delay in filing the report.  Friday was a crazy and stressful day following the event.  Following that stressful day was the chance to relax during Memorial Day Weekend (a chance I gladly took advantage of).  Having not thought about the incident or the students involved during that weekend I did not remember to mention it until I was prompted to do so by and administrator's email sent on Tuesday.  The saddest part of all of this, as mentioned by the friend, is that the student is now held up as an example of a great kid being unfairly treated.  I do not want to attack the child's character, but for every student that has criticized me for implicating him, I have had a student who disagrees with what he did.  For every parent who has been angry with me I have had three teachers, administrators or parents commend me.

And now, the heart of the matter.  The student's parents are obviously supportive of their son.  That is as it should be.  But it is wrong for a parent, myself included, to take up for their child when they are obviously at fault.   Members of the community are up in arms that the consequence is unfair but they are missing the point that the consequence is deserved.  If I break the speed limit and the officer issues a citation that will cost me more than I think it should it is ludicrous for me to yell at him for being mean--it is my fault for speeding.  I wish that parents would stop looking at the sentimentality of the occasion and start looking at the reality of the situation: kids did something wrong; kids were held accountable for it.  It does not matter if a person does not like the result.  The only way to avoid it was to not be at fault.  I really feel that even if I disagreed with the consequence I would pray that it be severe enough to make my sons question doing wrong again in the future.

You can point to any number of reasons why schools have a hard time training children to be intelligent, responsible, upright members of society, but in my experience it almost always comes back to how a parent treats his child.  Parents get angry at teachers for giving a failing grade on a student's lost project instead of being angry at the child for being irresponsible or unprepared.  Parents want their kids disciplined, but in the way they see fit.  The fact that this consequence is upsetting parents may be an indication that it was the right one to deliver.

My great fear after the events of these days is retaliation.  I can just see one of these angry parents attempting to have me fired, or making it their mission to make my life miserable.  It is a regrettable situation I find myself in.