They say time heals all wounds.
Nearly six months ago I was hit by a car.
Nearly four months ago my wife left me.
According to the surgeon who saw me today, the fracture in my left leg has healed completely. The pain I still feel in my knee is to be expected and may persist for up to a year or even indefinitely. Still, those wounds are healing.
According to my therapist I'm handling my separation in a healthy, mature way. The absence of someone I love is emotionally draining, and while I'd like to say that the wounds are healing, I know that the pain may persist indefinitely.
I haven't written about it in such a public forum before because I've been hoping and praying that she would return. Last week she told me she does not want to, but would rather file for divorce. It seems, then, that this is for real. This is really it.
So here's to healing. By God's grace, I pray it continues to come.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Three Words That Became Hard to Say
Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
we are headed north...
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
we are headed north...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Loser
I have written about this concept recently, but today I returned to thoughts of being a winner or a loser. I am happy to report that my fitness goal is producing positive results. I am getting bigger and stronger. (I do sometimes stop to contemplate why I am doing what I'm doing, but that's a matter for a different post.) However, such "positive" results naturally produce a dramatic negative result within me: hubris.
I think most of what we attempt to do with our appearance is really aimed at both sexes. On the one hand, in regard to the opposite sex, we seek to answer the question, "Can I get her to notice me? Am I attractive?" On the other hand, we seek to feel either separate from or superior to our own sex: "Am I better than him? Am I distinctive enough to stand out? Am I worthy?" Maybe I'm generalizing my own actions, but I think we all want to be validated. We all want to have worth and, even more importantly (we think), have someone recognize and comment on that worth.
I am not using my physique to attract women. That would be wrong, and so I don't let my mind drift there. Rather, I look around at every man and compare myself to him. This is especially common for me to do at the gym, because this is really where the only "competition" is. So I see young guys, old guys, burly guys, strong guys, ripped guys...and I try to see how we stack up against each other. Are my arms bigger than his? Can I bench more than him?
Please understand, I'm being completely honest here. I know I'm not making myself sound like a very deep or sanctified person. Still, this is more of a chronicle of what is happening, not an endorsement that it should be happening.
Anyway, a friend recently emailed a link to a song by the Belle Brigade called "Losers." The lyrics came into my head just as I was comparing myself to one guy (who was smaller) and then another guy walked in (who is bigger).
There will always be someone better than you, even if you're the best
so let's stop the competition or we will both be losers
Now i'm ashamed that I ever tried to be higher than the rest
brother i am not alone
We've all tried to be on top of the world somehow, cause we have all been losers
I don't want to be laid down, no I don't want to die knowing
that I spent so much time when i was young just trying to be the winner
So I wanna make it clear now, I wanna make it known
that i don't care about any of that shit anymore
Don't care about being a winner, or being smooth with women
or going out on Fridays, or being the life of parties
There will always be someone worse than you, sister don't let it get to your head
cause you won't be on top of the world so long in constant competition
This ain't about no one in particular but i could list a few
i'm removing myself from the queue
Don't care about being harder, or being daddy's favorite
or if you think i'm a mimic, or if I'm a loser
It's very easy for me to start to think too highly of myself. I start to think, "Hey--morally and spiritually I'm doing pretty good, physically I'm getting in shape, I'm a fairly competent artist (never mind that I'm not painting right now)..." and I look around for "lesser souls" by which to prop up my weak argument that I'm somehow a winner. Even if I become the buffest, smartest, most saintly, most talented person in the world, I will have missed the mark. As Rich Mullins says:
Well I am a good Midwestern boy; give an honest day's work if I can get it
I don't cheat on my taxes, I don't cheat on my girl
I've got values that would make the White House jealous
Well I do get a little much over-impressed
'til I think of Peter and Paul and the Apostles
I don't stack up too well against them I guess
But by the standards 'round here I ain't doing that awful
Oh Lord it's hard to turn the other cheek, hard to bless when others curse you
Oh Lord it's hard to be a man of peace, Lord it's hard to be like Jesus
There's the standard. He is the reference point and the ultimate comparison. I cannot hold a candle to his light. Jesus makes all my righteousness look like filthy rags. He makes all my temporal concerns about a decaying body seem silly. He is more and he is better than I'll ever be. And that is what will keep me on track and knock me down to size. There is no man or woman for whom I perform or to whom I compare myself. Please let me warn you to be very careful. God wants our best and not our better-than's.
There is a Greek story about a famous Olympian. He walked out of the stadium to the roar of the crowd. He had proven himself the best wrestler in the world. At the exit sat an old man. In his wisdom he said to the youth, "Don't pay too much attention to their applause. One day it will fade, and you will be forgotten." The young man was insulted, and retorted that he was the best and his name would always be remembered as such. The old man pointed to a statue behind him and said, "Oh, but I remember years ago when he wrestled. You couldn't have stood in the ring with him." The youth saw a statue of some long-dead champion whose name he could not remember.
Walking away, the young wrestler turned the comment in his head over and over. Was he really the best? Could he have beaten the former champion? The questions began to gnaw at him. He couldn't eat. He couldn't sleep. Finally, in the middle of the night he returned to the stadium, approached the statue, and began to yell at it. "You are no match for me! I could destroy you!" The statue remained lifeless and unimpressed. Incensed, the youth began to grapple with its legs, trying to tear it down; trying to gain victory over the frozen opponent. Before long, the bronze was worked loose and it toppled down, falling on the youth and killing him.
The Greeks had a way of driving home the point that hubris is bad. There is always someone better. There is always someone worse. It is good to be healthy. It's good to have goals. But it's not good to sacrifice everything to attain that goal. It's not good to attempt to reach the goal for attention or for superiority. Don't be overly fit and don't be lazy and sickly. It is good to hold onto one and not let go of the other. Enjoy being healthy and meeting the goal, but whatever I choose to do, I do it with all my might for the glory of the Lord. That's my reality check for the day.
I think most of what we attempt to do with our appearance is really aimed at both sexes. On the one hand, in regard to the opposite sex, we seek to answer the question, "Can I get her to notice me? Am I attractive?" On the other hand, we seek to feel either separate from or superior to our own sex: "Am I better than him? Am I distinctive enough to stand out? Am I worthy?" Maybe I'm generalizing my own actions, but I think we all want to be validated. We all want to have worth and, even more importantly (we think), have someone recognize and comment on that worth.
I am not using my physique to attract women. That would be wrong, and so I don't let my mind drift there. Rather, I look around at every man and compare myself to him. This is especially common for me to do at the gym, because this is really where the only "competition" is. So I see young guys, old guys, burly guys, strong guys, ripped guys...and I try to see how we stack up against each other. Are my arms bigger than his? Can I bench more than him?
Please understand, I'm being completely honest here. I know I'm not making myself sound like a very deep or sanctified person. Still, this is more of a chronicle of what is happening, not an endorsement that it should be happening.
Anyway, a friend recently emailed a link to a song by the Belle Brigade called "Losers." The lyrics came into my head just as I was comparing myself to one guy (who was smaller) and then another guy walked in (who is bigger).
There will always be someone better than you, even if you're the best
so let's stop the competition or we will both be losers
Now i'm ashamed that I ever tried to be higher than the rest
brother i am not alone
We've all tried to be on top of the world somehow, cause we have all been losers
I don't want to be laid down, no I don't want to die knowing
that I spent so much time when i was young just trying to be the winner
So I wanna make it clear now, I wanna make it known
that i don't care about any of that shit anymore
Don't care about being a winner, or being smooth with women
or going out on Fridays, or being the life of parties
There will always be someone worse than you, sister don't let it get to your head
cause you won't be on top of the world so long in constant competition
This ain't about no one in particular but i could list a few
i'm removing myself from the queue
Don't care about being harder, or being daddy's favorite
or if you think i'm a mimic, or if I'm a loser
It's very easy for me to start to think too highly of myself. I start to think, "Hey--morally and spiritually I'm doing pretty good, physically I'm getting in shape, I'm a fairly competent artist (never mind that I'm not painting right now)..." and I look around for "lesser souls" by which to prop up my weak argument that I'm somehow a winner. Even if I become the buffest, smartest, most saintly, most talented person in the world, I will have missed the mark. As Rich Mullins says:
Well I am a good Midwestern boy; give an honest day's work if I can get it
I don't cheat on my taxes, I don't cheat on my girl
I've got values that would make the White House jealous
Well I do get a little much over-impressed
'til I think of Peter and Paul and the Apostles
I don't stack up too well against them I guess
But by the standards 'round here I ain't doing that awful
Oh Lord it's hard to turn the other cheek, hard to bless when others curse you
Oh Lord it's hard to be a man of peace, Lord it's hard to be like Jesus
There's the standard. He is the reference point and the ultimate comparison. I cannot hold a candle to his light. Jesus makes all my righteousness look like filthy rags. He makes all my temporal concerns about a decaying body seem silly. He is more and he is better than I'll ever be. And that is what will keep me on track and knock me down to size. There is no man or woman for whom I perform or to whom I compare myself. Please let me warn you to be very careful. God wants our best and not our better-than's.
There is a Greek story about a famous Olympian. He walked out of the stadium to the roar of the crowd. He had proven himself the best wrestler in the world. At the exit sat an old man. In his wisdom he said to the youth, "Don't pay too much attention to their applause. One day it will fade, and you will be forgotten." The young man was insulted, and retorted that he was the best and his name would always be remembered as such. The old man pointed to a statue behind him and said, "Oh, but I remember years ago when he wrestled. You couldn't have stood in the ring with him." The youth saw a statue of some long-dead champion whose name he could not remember.
Walking away, the young wrestler turned the comment in his head over and over. Was he really the best? Could he have beaten the former champion? The questions began to gnaw at him. He couldn't eat. He couldn't sleep. Finally, in the middle of the night he returned to the stadium, approached the statue, and began to yell at it. "You are no match for me! I could destroy you!" The statue remained lifeless and unimpressed. Incensed, the youth began to grapple with its legs, trying to tear it down; trying to gain victory over the frozen opponent. Before long, the bronze was worked loose and it toppled down, falling on the youth and killing him.
The Greeks had a way of driving home the point that hubris is bad. There is always someone better. There is always someone worse. It is good to be healthy. It's good to have goals. But it's not good to sacrifice everything to attain that goal. It's not good to attempt to reach the goal for attention or for superiority. Don't be overly fit and don't be lazy and sickly. It is good to hold onto one and not let go of the other. Enjoy being healthy and meeting the goal, but whatever I choose to do, I do it with all my might for the glory of the Lord. That's my reality check for the day.
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